"untitled"

deery-lou.
last night i thought about existence. and what actually happens once we are gone. i'm not really sure what triggered this. perhaps it was getting news about a friend of mine being hit by a car. who thankfully is all right. but as i lay in bed trying to get some sleep my mind had its own agenda: existence. it crazy how your mind works sometimes. here i am in my mid-thirties. more than halfway through my life and all i keep thinking is that i don't want it end. for when it does we will no longer exist. game over. our memories, our thoughts, everything will be gone and who will remember us? will we be just a random photo that someone finds. the vast majority of us will just be forgotten. no more going to the movies, no more listening to music, no more late nights out with friends, no more winters, smells, etc. its weird to imagine life without being an active part of it. then i started to think, "what if we do get to come back. would we know it?" most likely we wouldn't realize that we are living yet another life. or would we? and if we do come back would we be making the same mistakes as before or make new ones as we find our way in a new world. would be the same race? gender? i realize that getting older and dying is a part of life. which really doesn't bother me but strangely i don't want myself to disappear into the void. so in a way it must bother me a bit. i don't know. i feel like i'm just rambling. perhaps i am. i'm not even sure this makes sense at all. sometimes its hard for me to write exactly what i'm thinking. i'm not usually one to complaint the meaning of life and all that. however, i am starting to realize that we just have one life and i'm going to do my best to try not to let money, or work control it. anyway... thats whats going through my head. i've actually had this existence conversation with my sister before. she was visitng me in san francisco. we were sitting in a red convertible park on cliff overlooking the ocean eating pie. not sure how the subject came up but it did. i mentioned how one day we just wouldn't exist. that there be a time when the two of us would no longer be talking or seeing each other and didn't that seem strange. the conversation last for a bit then we just there silently eating our pie until it was time to go home.

be well…