stab

dear diary–
last night my world came crashing down on me. i received a call from my sister around midnight. when i answered i had a gut feeling that something bad had happened. i immediately thought that it had to due with my grandmother who hasn't been doing well lately. fortunately she was fine, however, my dad wasn't. apparently he had a heart attack the other night and now had to have quadruple bipass surgery. from what my sister told me he had died twice and was shock back to life. i felt completely hopeless. there was nothing i could do. it would be one thing if i was in the states then i could easily get a flight home but being so far away makes things all the more difficult. my thoughts then went to my mom. knowing that neither my sister nor i could be there for her i couldn't stand the thought of her being by herself. thinking of her having to sit alone and wait for the outcome saddened me. i immediately tried to call her but i couldn't reach her on her cell phone. at that moment i felt like dropping every thing and heading off to the airport. but i realized i really couldn't do that and what would it change. i was up most of the night. unable to sleep. every time i closed my eyes my thoughts turned to my parents. the feeling of hopeless comsumed me. all these scenarios played in my mind. there is nothing worse than knowing there was nothing i could do. i felt the need to be with my mom. to console her. hug her. hold her hand. anyting. my sister told me she was trying to get her father-in-law to go to the hospital. that made me feel a little better. at least someone would be with her. i knew the thoughts that were running through my mind and i could only imagine what was going through her mind as she sat there waiting for news. i'm not sure what time i finally fell asleep but i did manage to get some rest. in the morning i had gotten up too late to call my mom. i didn't want to wake her because i figured she needed to get some rest after her night. my sister called me around 11 am. apparently the surgery went well but for the next 24 hours my dad would be in a semi-coma state and these were the most critical hours. she did tell me that a friend of my mom's went to sit with her. i felt good about that although i still wish it could have been one of us. during these times family is always so much better. i spent the majority of my day in a daze. for the most part my mind seemed to block out the events of home. it also helped that i had non-stop classes from 2pm to 8pm so it didn't give me much time to dwell on what was happening. although i did check my cell regularly to make sure i didn't miss any calls. i never mentioned anything to people at school. i really couldn't talk about. before going to taekwondo i got a call from anna. she's one of the korean teachers at my school. her and christine were at a bar and asked if i wanted to join them for a drink. i did. while having a beer with them i told them what was happening. it felt good to be able to talk about it. it times like this that really sucks being away from my friends. i really needed them. what i wouldn't have given to be able to sit with any of them at a bar right now. i suppose i could have called someone but its just not the same. i needed to be with them. to see their faces, have them make me laugh like i know they can. i realize how much i need them in my lives and it just not the same without them. sometimes i wonder if i can do another year here. i know it would benefit me greatly to do so but…i don't know. i guess i can worry about that later. i just feel really alone right now. after taekwondo i tried to call my mom again both at home and on her cell phone but i didn't have any luck. i really just need some kind of information. i need to know what's happening because not knowing is killing me. i did manage to talk to my sister again. she hadn't heard from mom yet today. her feeling was that no news is good news. i guess and i hope she's right about that. i'm trying to do everything i can to keep my mind occupied but its to no avail. all i really can do right now is wait, so that's what i'm doing.

be well…