pins & needles

deery-lou.
i'm beginning to feel like a human pin cushion. each day as i head to the acupuncturist i cringe with the thought of him pressing into my chest to find the pressure points. its a pain that makes me almost laugh. yes, i say almost cuz i do my best to keep the laughter in. the other day as i lay on my side i could actually feel the pins inside me. when i moved my arm the muscles shifted and i felt a constant rush of pain. i was very close to asking them to pull out the pin but i soon got use to it. its the kind of pain that on one hand hurts but on the other feels good. its like you can actually feel it working. the side effect is that i'm starting to bruise. i went in again today. the assistant was saying something to me about the doctor. she was holding up two fingers. i assumed she meant that the doctor was gone and would be back soon. she took me to the room. as usual i removed my shirt and lay on the heated table. when the doctor appeared i was surprised to see that it was a new one. i think he was just as surprised. he couldn't really speak much english. i had to tell him where the pain was. he said something. i nodded. he ask me to remove my socks. then he put some pins into my feet, legs, and arm. this time around i was sans pins in my chest area. the assistant turned the heat lamp on and there i lay for 15 minutes or so.

i must say that laying there with pins in my body and a heat lamp turned on me is the most relaxing time ever. my mind wandered. i love that feeling when you are awake yet so relaxed that it feels like you are dreaming. my thoughts drifted back to high school. i'm sure a lot of that had to do with reconnecting with some h.s. peeps on myspace last week. it had me thinking of friends who have come and gone, choices made, how comfort can come from the least expected, how great that time was, etc. it was my own personal slideshow.

as i took my trip down memory lane earlier today i couldn't help but wonder how happy i am with its outcome. of course i would have done some things differently. wouldn't we all. but for the most part the decisions i made were good ones. i wish i had the self-confidence i do today. and that i came out much earlier but thats adolescence, i guess. besides i believe that everything happens for a reason. while i laid there in my semi-conscious state my mind wondered to the time we had gotten a place at the sea horse motel in new smyrna beach. not really sure why we were there but we were. there was a bunch of us sitting on the bed. i remember getting upset. we were talking about life and such. then the topic turned a bit personal. a few people mentioned how they were embarrassed to be my friend. [bs] had made a comment about how he didn't want me to meet his parents because i was different. they talked about the way i dressed, acted, and even spoke. i remember thinking that these people were suppose to be my friends. i took it personally. as anyone would. afterall i was only 16 or 17. i remember crawling under the table in my drunken state and crying. what stands out is that [mo] came to comfort me. [mo] was a tough guy. not one i could ever imagine having a sensitive side. and the thing was that he and i weren't really even close. he grabbed a beer for us both and joined me under the table. i'm not exactly clear of what he said, but it was something like this: "do not give a shit what these people think", and "to be yourself". even thought the exact words escape me i do know that what he said had a lasting effect on me. i never really spoken about this before. mostly because i wanted to forget about it and the other cuz its somewhat embarrassing. but as i sit here today i realize "what the fuck do i care". and the truth is i don't. in a strange way that event has had a lasting impact on me. for the last few years its entered my subconscious. its only now that i can accept it.

from there i jumped to my friendship with [ss]. the two of us hung out for almost a year together and then it sort of fizzled out. i still saw him around here and there but it was never the same. i'm sure the reasons for the friendship ending were somewhat childish. at the time they felt reasonable. i actually tried getting in touch with him once. i never heard back from him though. not even sure if it was the right number. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if we had stayed such good friends? would that have meant my close friendship with [wc + sh] wouldn't have happened? which brings me to [wc + sh]. i knew them both all through high school but it wasn't until the summer after my senior year that the three of us became so close. and truth be told, i'm not even sure how that happened. all i know is that i had one of my best summers ever with those two guys. the best part being that i'm still really great friends with them. i use to see [sh] quite often when i lived in the bay area. he lived there, too. [wc] i don't see as much but we have a bond that will never be broken.

my thoughts then began to wander outside my immediate group of high school friends. to those i met as clubs, parties, etc. you see i always found myself just slightly outside. never really in the center of it all. who i hung out seemed to change every 6 months or so. which was cool cuz i get to meet so many great people. two that had the most impact on my lives were [e + d]. they went to winter park. i was at lake brantley. again i'm not sure how we connected but we did. i had great times going to the beach with them, visage, or just hanging at e's house. after i went to university i kept in touch with them for awhile. then unfortunately it sort of faded. i saw e a few years ago and of course we did the whole "let's stay in touch" but really didn't. hopefully one day our paths will cross again. until then i still have all the great memories and the joy division album they gave me. miss you guys!

nostalgia is such a crazy thing. i love how it can simply be brought about by the slightest thing. i'm sure as i continue to go to acupuncture my journeys into the past will continue as well. whether or not i share them all— thats another matter. don't really want to bore you all with my high school flashbacks. however, it is a part of who i am. a part that i can't change. nor do i want it too. for as tough as high school was being in the closet, self-conscious, etc. i had an awesome core of friends that made that whole experience worth it. some of them i still speak to today while others are distant memories. then there are the ones that i didn't hang out with so much in high school but am good friends with now. go figure. the experiences i had, the places i went, the people i met, etc. made me who i am and thats what i'm thankful for. to all of the peeps i had contact with back in the day i wish you well. perhaps our paths will meet again some day.

speaking of high school, my best friend back then had a child while we were seniors. i use to babysit for her sometimes. i can remember driving around in my jeep with baby [k] in the back seat. well—baby [k] isn't a baby anymore. on sunday, may 21 she graduated from high school. now i feel old. [jc] did an excellent job raising [k]. [k] is smart, pretty, caring, etc. and i'm not just saying that cuz i'm a faux-uncle. i only wish i could have been there to see her graduate. i hope she knows that i was there in spirit and with always be with her whereever her life takes her. best of luck to you [k]. and to you [jc] be proud. be very proud. love and miss you both.

be proud, be real, be well…

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