you get what you give

deery-lou.
thanksgiving. tomorrow is thanksgiving though living here one wouldn't know it. its been over 10 years since i spent thanksgiving with my family. when i moved to boston in 1994 i stopped going home. it was partly because i chose to go home for christmas, however, there was deeper reason for me not returning. florida and thanksgiving brought back memories of my friend lil. on thanksgiving 1990 my friend, who had been missing for several days prior, was found dead. we would later find out that she had be killed by her landlord. it was a most brutal murder. the kind you might have read about or seen in a movie and thought how unbelievable it was. the events that unfolded that holiday season would stay with me for some time. i vaguely even remember spending time with my own family. my days were spent comforting friends at lil's mom's house or at sc's house. emotionally i was a wreck. lil's mom had asked me to go to lil's apartment to gather up her things. i couldn't. instead i made up an excuse. they found a letter addressed to me from lil among her things. they asked if it could be read. i agreed but didn't want to read it. crump did. we were all hoping it would shed some light on what had happened. i remember seeing crump's mouth move but couldn't hear any sounds. i don't think i was ready. that's the day i cried. cried like i've never have before.

prior to going home that holiday in 1990, i had no idea that lil was even missing. i remember the drive from georgia, where i was attending college, as if it was yesterday. it was late at night. outside it was cold. i was driving down some back road in georgia. i had just lit a cigarette. joy by the sundays was playing on my stereo. that's when it happened. all these thoughts of lil started rolling around in my mind: would i see her this trip?, how would i get in touch with her?, who would have her number?. etc. chills ran through my body. then like that, it all faded. i still think of that precious moment every time i hear that song. perhaps it'll stay with me forever.

once i had gotten home i learned about lil's disappearance from a friend's mom. immediately i called everyone i knew to find out what was going on. no one seemed to have an answer. with each day that passed more and more information surfaced. we spent those days together as friends. none of us wanting to be alone. then we got the fatal news that shattered any hopes we had. lil was no longer with those. that event changed everything. i didn't see thanksgiving as a time to be joyous. it was now a holiday of sadness. and to avoid that sadness i stopped going home to avoid those memories that were still so fresh in my mind.

lil was an individual. i've never met anyone like her since nor do i think i will. she often spole her mind. she was spunk. and her spirit was strong. i'm so glad she entered into my life, even if it was only for a short period of time. our friendship was filled with ups and downs. just like so many are. but we always found our way back. she taught me alot about life and myself. for that i'm grateful. i'll always treasure our time together. there's not a day that goes by when i don't think of her. i wrote this in the spring of 1991. i wrote it for lil.

The Letter
Days drag by,
and still I watch the television.
5 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 11 o'clock.
The hours when your name is spoken on every channel
by unfamiliar faces painted like Barbies
always behind custom-made desks of artificial wood.

For me, nothing is taken on face value anymore.
To hear them utter your name
a name sweet as any nectar to my lips.
Only now the topic of town gossip
forcing me to accept what waits outside my door.

A stone thrown into placid waters
sank to depths unknown.
Men sift through mounds of coarse dirt
in hopes of finding gold, only to recover bone.

That letter never mailed
discovered in a box of your belongings.
Shadows step forward trapping me in the darkest corner.
Alone, fingers transfixed on the envelope
afraid to open, afraid to hear your voice.

it took me a few years to finally put it all behind me. as time passed i didn't see thanksgiving as a dark storm cloud. i found new traditions. mainly spending it with new found friends. my thanksgivings in san francisco have by far been the best. they started with pevil. we began our own tradition with turkey for two. then it grew as more friends stayed in sf for the holiday. my fondest memory is when misty and i hosted a somersize thanksgiving for our friends. who would have guessed that no bread stuffing would be so good. thanks suzanne.
well—to all my friends out there, happy thanksgiving. i'll be thinking of you.

stay gold.
be well…

joy
by the sundays

The lone ranger sold his wardrobe
The lone ranger sold his bad dog
Well you saw him and you could hardly know
Cos times change.... I know
Some days he's more than humble
On some days he's cold and mad, mad as hell
Well you saw him and you can hardly know
It's so strange.... and well I, I know
Those lakes of golden water
Those lakes of gold are all running out
Well you saw him and you could hardly know
It's so strange... and well I, I know

Joy, joy, joy
Work, work, work harder
Sure as the hours
Joy, joy, joy
Work, work, work harder
You say