matter of degrees

deery-lou.
previously on the e-list…

bears, bars, building…oh, what a week it was. as most of you know, last week was that dreaded holiday valentine's day. the day when romance is forced upon us and we stuff our faces with chocolate all in the name of love. not a big fan. although it is enjoyable to watch the many that scramble around hoping to find that perfect valentine. on this day i usually make an attempt not to leave my house. i try to shield myself from the red balloons, red flowers, and red candy boxes that move up and down the bustling streets. my plan to stay indoors didn't quite work since i had a job interview. i actually forgot it was even valentine's day until i was leaving and noticed the heart shaped box on the desk. the little chocolates that filled it stare at me mockingly. i wanted to eat them all.

later that night i ended up in the stro for a very impromptu date. it was not the "wine and dine" kind of date. more like the "let's pound drinks" date. this makes date #3 with lag. so far all of the dates revolve around being at a bar. i think i'm seeing a pattern. the 440 was filled with fellow lonely hearts still looking for a valentine. then again isn't it like that every night in the bars of the stro. it was actually quite a relief not to be surrounded by happy-love couples. don't get me wrong. i'm all for happy-love couples. i just don't want to see them on valentine's. we stayed for numerous cocktails. i received a valentine's package from a stop-aids volunteer. it contained the essentials that every gay boy needs: a valentine's card, candy hearts, lube, and a condom. while outside for a smoke break i got hit on by an elderly gentlemen. i didn't have the heart to tell him to bugger off. we chit chatted for a bit, then he wondered off. after leaving 440 we stopped in at the metro for a final drink. they had snack mix there. i ate it all. i love snacks. lag bought me a pez. i was a little buzzed by then. we left shortly after that.

did i mention it was ibr [international bear rendezvous] weekend. i love when the bears come to visit. in the past we'd spend sunday at the eagle beer bust with the bears. didn't make it this year. instead i met up with kiki. we had lunch. then she showed me her awesome pad that she shares with her main squeeze. they're so cute. we debated heading down to the eagle but opted for the wildside west where we met pevil. i have mixed feelings about ww. i think i can do without all the folk singing in the patio. it felt like i was a judge at an american idol audition. there were times when i just wanted to cut them off and say "thanks but no thanks. i'm going to say no." aside from the awful music, the company was outstanding. i always have a good time with kiki. she makes me laugh. add pevil to the equation and its non-stop giggles. good times. eventually pevil's lovely wife joined us.

the bears [jbear & dbear] invited us over for dinner that night. on the menu: turkey loaf, mashed potatoes, corn, salad, and wine. everything was quite tasty. the lesbots [pevil & her lovely wife mrs.b] brought over a lost puzzle. i must say this is the first time i've put together a puzzle at a dinner party. hi, are we 70? honestly, it was quite fun. after all its really about the company and not what you were doing. although a few of them got really into it. i'm not going to name names but at one point there was some high five action happening. now that's a whole new take on puzzle making. first time for everything, i guess.

my pal, butter bean, was kind enough to cart my ass around on monday. our first stop was ikea where i purchased a bookshelf and a tv stand. pretty good for me. i had a bit of trouble at the self check out. the gun didn't want to scan. it took several tries and lots of sweat to finally get the thing to work. i still don't how i did it. the next stop was target where i bought a cube organizer to use for my "office" stuff. thanks again, bb.

as you can probably guess the last two days were spent assembling my purchases. to my surprise the ikea stuff took no time at all. i had them together by monday night. the organizer from target was another story. when i opened the box on tuesday i realized that there were no instructions. i called target. they had me call the manufacturer. after several automated voice messages i got the number i needed. they emailed me instructions. unfortunately they were not complete so i called again. another email was sent. this time it was complete. there was a small problem trying to figure out which piece was which. in the end, it all came together. my pad is getting closer and closer to being a home.

stay gold & be well…

fancy

deery-lou.
wow. one would think that i've been uber busy hence the lack of posts these days. but the truth is i've been doing absolutely nothing. which means nothing to post about. it's strange being back home. with no job and no apartment i'm not quite sure i feel at home yet. its been great reconnecting with friends and such but i feel like something is missing. i'm trying to enjoy this time off because i know once i start working it'll be few and far between. the only downfall is that when you are out and about you seem to want to spend money, money. and that's something i'm trying to avoid. here's a quick run down of what's been happening on the e-list since my last post:

• went tux shopping with ted [bagelradio.com] for his upcoming wedding. the outing was a success and he made his selection. i must say i'm quite happy with the choice because i think i'm going to fabulous in it. hehe

• my old high school chum from o-town, william, had some artwork in a show at varnish fine art. although he wasn't in town for the opening reception, d and i went down to check it out. the space was quite nice and the turnout was good. it was great to see william's work after all this time. i think the last stuff i saw was during his art school days. his come a long since then and its great seeing his art showcased. kudos to you, my brother. besides william's art there was only one other artist whose work i liked.

wide open by william crump

afterwards d & i made our way down to the eagle tavern. brian, an ex-bartender there, was in town and just so happened to be serving drinks that night. it was great to see him after all this time. we ended up running into pevil, adawg, and adawg's special lady. we spent most of the evening hanging out on the back deck. it really doesn't matter how long you are gone, there are some things that never seem to change. one of those is definitely the eagle. it's so funny to think that pevil, d, & i basically lived there way back when.

• sunday was spent shopping with misty, kate, & d. we were on a mission to find bridal shoes and jewelry. we were successful! yeah! i managed to score a couple pairs of calvins as well as a much needed new pair of jeans. i had a meatloaf sandwich at witchcraft and with every bite i was in heaven. who knew food could taste so good.

until next time.
stay gold & be well…

jet black

deery-lou.
sunday was spent reconnecting with my old peep chen. it had been some time since we last hung out. we've both been busy doing our own thing and our paths just never seemed to crossed. that's the one thing i truly miss about living closer to friends. to be able to just call someone up during the week and meet for a drink or whatever. now my life has come down to planning. for those that really know me—well you know how good i am at that. we met up in hongdae. our day started out in a cafe, who's name escapes me. i really got to be better at remembering the names. from there we ventured to purple records. i was looking for kristin hersh's new cd. of course it was a bust. i asked the lady if she could order it. she wrote down my number but we'll see if it actually happens. [fingers crossed]. seeing that food was much needed we grabbed some sandwiches at jenny's. this seems to be the spot chen and i always end up at. their sandwiches do rock though. and i was so craving one. of course a day out with chen wouldn't be the same without hitting the anime shops so that's what we did. i scored three new toys for my collection. luck must have been on my side cuz i ended up with the ones i wanted. one never knows which character is going to be inside those boxes. we had a brief jaunt through fashion street and youth town which is in front of ewha women's university. i scored a white pully that looks like its out of blade runner. me was very excited. it's very rare that the "one size" fits. we ended the evening meeting up with mz. amber at a tea place that looked like my mommom's house.

last night i had a dream. it had something to do with my friend shortcake. although in the dream it wasn't her per se. the gist of it escapes me; however, i do remember the end. i was in a house. a big colonial style house. it was mine. i was wearing a robe and blue slippers. i was walking down the stairs, heading toward the big, white door. my hand reached out for the gold knob and opened the door. outside night was still there. i stepped out onto the opened porch which was the length of the house. as my foot touched the ground i heard a crunching sound. snow. the porch was covered in fresh snow. i hadn't even noticed it before. everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. on the corner of the porch were two girls. one was in lavender. they made a comment about the snow. although i don't recall exactly what was said. i replied but my words escape me. i shortly awoke to the sound of my phone. it was pevil. she had called to tell me that shortcake had passed away. i was at a loss for words. while speaking with pevil, i kept looking at the photo of shortcake and i on my wall. it was good to speak to pevil. we were able to laugh a little, which is always good. i spent my morning in some what of a daze. i guess we are never quite prepared to hear about a friend's death. it got me thinking. life is too unexpected. you just never know when things will change. i've so many friends out there that i seldom speak to and i want that to change. it's time to make an effort. an effort to reach out at least once a month to just say hi. i don't want to lose another without them knowing that i care. i will surely miss shortcake, who i often thought of as a little sister. she was full of spunk and had a great spirit about her. i hadn't spoken to her in awhile so i'm not really sure what was going on in her life. she had seemed happy the last time we chatted. i only wish that where ever she is now that she has found some peace. i will think of you often. goodbye, shortcake.

today's bit of news also made me think of yet another friend i had lost about 6 years ago. at that time i wrote something to her. it seems only fitting to share it now:

untitled
it's hard to express how i feel
never to be one who is forthcoming with emotions
i keep things bottled up waiting to explode

i wanted to call the minute i learned
of your ailing condition but i was afraid
for i did not know what to say

a small part of me imagined i'd see you at christmas
most likely not wanting to believe the truth

i heard about your condition just weeks before
the shock of the news just never sunk in
i hoped you would conquer this, like you did before

never in all my life did i imagine that i'd get that fateful call
i listened to the message twice
hoping, wishing i had heard it wrong

both times the words "bonnie pasted away"
were clear as a bell
there was no mistaken it

i wish i had the courage to call you
to hear your sweet angelic voice

a voice that made me laugh so many times
just to hear it one more time

stay gold & be well…