back to the old house

deery-lou.
there are some days when you just don't want to get out of bed. that's how i've felt the last couple of days. it seems my honeymoon period has come to a screeching halt and what i'm left with is reality. a reality for some reason or another i'm not quite ready to face. my motivation for everything has completely faded. i barely feel like leaving the house for my morning coffee. perhaps its the pressure of all the things i need to do: get a job, finding an apartment, etc. i feel somewhat displaced. its strange because when i left for korea 3 years ago i never felt homesick until the last few months i was there. but here its different. i'm homesick for a place that had only been my home for 3 years. you ever imagined that coming hard would be so hard. the other day i felt like taking off for destination unknown. as if running away would solve my problems. i'm sure it would for awhile but then it would appear at my door like an unwanted guest. when i talk to people here the first question is always the same, "what are you going to do now?". and that seems to be where my problem exists. i have no clue. sure i could go back into design but i'm not sure that's where my passion is. i thought about teaching but that requires more schooling and i don't want to do that. i never imagined that i would be at a crossroads at this point in my life. like most people i envisioned i'd be entering my 40s with a job i like, a home to call my own, and a partner to share it all with. i'm 0 for 3. i'm hoping that once i find an apartment i'll be able to pull myself out of this rut i'm in. its a strange feeling not having your own space. its like being caught between the here and after. i've been trying to give myself some sort of routine to keep myself busy. unfortunately its not really working. all i end of doing is watching tv. i guess i should be thankfully that i'm not walking around in my pajamas all day. here's to hoping next week will be better.

I would love to go
Back to the old house
But I never will
I never will ...
I never will ...
I never will ...

stay gold & be well…